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Something really great happened this weekend - I managed to successfully apply to the Romantic Novelists Association New Writers Scheme. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's a fantastic annual opportunity for 300 unpublished writers of any novel with an element of romance to become a member of the RNA and take part in its events. More importantly, as an unpublished writer, it gives you the chance to submit your full manuscript for feedback and advice for seeking representation and publication. The holy grail of new-writerdom.

Now, I really wanted this. I wanted it so much that I spent almost two nerve-shredding hours anxiously refreshing their crashed website (which had crumbled in the face of the level of demand they had warned of in advance), my partner doing the same on his phone, until I'd managed to successfully submit my card details. Relief and excitement ensued - I was in.

And I'm still really excited. I'm pleased I have a deadline in August to come up with the goods - I am, and always have been, an insufferable teachers' pet, so barring some unforeseen disaster I will have a completed novel to hand in. I also can't wait to get some feedback, good or bad, because this year I am serious about getting my work out there in a professional capacity. I've half-heartedly sent a previous completed novel to agents before, but didn't have the confidence in the project to keep going in the face of rejection.

This time feels different - I feel like this project has legs, and although they may be shaky Bambi-style ones right now, I have a good feeling that with a little commitment from me and help from others I might just do it. And that's where my next difficulty comes in. The fear of success.

It's a very strange feeling to have, to want something so dearly, yet to be terrified of actually pulling it off. I ask myself questions all the time. If I did get published how would I feel about having to do re-writes, to please editors and publishers rather than just myself? If I'm contractually obliged to produce another book, how will I find the time around my day job and family commitments? And what the hell would the next book be about? Don't even get me started on generating publicity and networking. As much as I like to show off at times, I still feel a bit icky about self-promotion, although I know it's pretty much required nowadays.

So, I'm simultaneously thrilled and terrified, like the time I went on Nemesis at Alton Towers just to impress a boy. I only hope the outcome will be something similar - not the snog in the back of the coach on the way home, but the feeling of exhilaration and being proud of myself for getting through it. Not to mention being desperate straight away to do it all again. Once more, the rollercoaster not the snog.

The fear of success is very real, and I think it's also largely the fear of the unknown. This year I'm sure I'm going to learn a lot from being a member of the scheme, and hopefully get to know some other writers who feel the same as me. And then, with a bit of luck and hard work, after that I might just find out what it's like to take a first foray into the publishing world. It's all a massive learning curve that I'm excited to be on, and if the downhill bit of the rollercoaster is even better than the climb, then hopefully I've got lots to look forward to.


LJ







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